成长

迪安娜·斯库勒著

It only took one more night of frustration to find myself alone in tears. 我失去了它. 在伊曼纽尔教堂的圣所里, 在一个小组圣经学习后的长椅上, I broke before the Lord and allowed my hand to release my tensions through words. 我在日记上潦草地写着:

我是不是太自大了? 太狂妄的? 我感到自卑、愚笨、固执. 我不喜欢现在的自己，上帝. 为什么疼得这么厉害? The last few weeks have solidified my lack of self-confidence. 我在假装基督教. Don’t you know, Lord, how this hurts my self-esteem. 我已经得假装…

Unexpectedly, from behind me, I heard these words whispered into my ears, “Can I please pray for you?“非常快，没有意识到, I turned bright red and wiped away the tears that ran down my face. I lifted my face to see Artium, a 6’5” blonde Russian man. I was shocked, slightly confused, and most of all, nervous. 我不知道他想要什么. 阿提姆的英语是不存在的, so I knew that his buddy Alex had told him verbatim what to say in English before he had approached me. 没时间考虑阿提姆想要什么, his giant hand engulfed my cold forearm and he pulled me towards the sanctuary door.

“亚历克斯!” Artium raised his voice, calling to his English-speaking friend. I’m not sure if more company reassured me or instilled more fear in me. I had one hundred butterflies in my stomach, and every muscle in my body seized up. I’d like to say that I completely trusted these men, but our friendship was only a few days old. 我们走到外面.

我浑身起鸡皮疙瘩. Artium offered me his giant coat, and I gladly accepted it. I put it on and felt a level of protection cover me. 我开始放松警惕. Alex struggled with his English, telling me that they wanted to pray over me. 阿提姆说的话我听不懂. 我急切地想知道他说了些什么，于是把目光转向了亚历克斯. “He says that while all of us Russians were praying together 神 told him to pray for you. 圣灵感动他下来接你.一种温暖的感觉笼罩了我的身体. 在那一刻, every doubtful word that I had written down and every negative thought I had about myself was disproved; Jesus’ faithfulness prevailed.

For about ten minutes, which felt like an eternity, the Russian men prayed together and all at once. 他们的嘴一直在动. At times, the three men would pray louder with more passion or slower with more emphasis. I found myself just listening at times or repeating the line, “神, you are good!” The power of the moment overtook me and I knelt dumbfounded before the Lord. 在我最虚弱的时候, 神, 通过Artium, picked me up to reassure me that He is in every part of the good and bad, 困难和容易, 祝福和诅咒, 还有痛苦和快乐.

“阿门.” We lifted our heads and in the pitch black, only my teeth were visible. I could not stop smiling and no words, especially not translated words, would express my feelings. “这正是我所需要的，阿提姆.我说. Alex nodded, turned to Artium, and translated that phrase into Russian. 寂静笼罩着我们. Instilled in me was a newfound acceptance for change. A foundation for a new way of thinking and living began to structure itself and the Spirit was alive in me. This would be my motivation, my attitude, and my purpose for the remaining three months.

玛莎·詹姆斯

他和我对视了一下. Startled at his advance towards me and the taking of my hand, I let myself be pulled to the center. Encircled around us, our friends and some strangers watched in anticipation. 我不明白他为什么选择我. 我没有学会正确的步骤. Anxiety pulsed through me as he placed his hand on my waist and asked for my right to accompany his left. I wanted to warn the hollowed floors beneath our feet of the hurricane that would soon ensue. I quietly reminded him that I did not know the steps. He looked at me with gentle calmness and replied, “Confidence, Martha.” After a brief moment of silence, interrupted by my deep breath, the music commenced. The tango tune coming from a small radio in the far corner prompted his first step. He led me forward, to the side, and then back, never losing focus. 他的眼睛紧盯着我. 在那一刻，他指引着我. 他的动作没有瑕疵. 我感到安全.

上帝每天都在向我求婚. He desires to take me out of my comfortable state and solicits for my dependency. There is no hesitation in his strength as he holds me close. He knows every step perfectly and will not let me fall. I am graceful and elegant because of His determination to make me so. He whispers confidence in my ears and my anxiety compares nothing to His peace. 我被他渴望与我跳舞的心情所感动. 他选择了我. Without His presence I stand still, motionless, without hope. The act of dancing by myself or to my own steps is futile. Looking into my soul, he reminds me of the trust that I am lacking and therefore need. 没有什么能动摇他的脚步.

我听见我爱的召唤. He wants to lead me into a place of peace and rest with careful precision and with my faith solely in Him.